This morning on Highway 1, I looked over to my left, and there was a woman in a brand new Mitsi, doing 70 mph, with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple of seconds, and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup. As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much, I dropped my shaver, . . . . . . which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, I knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned "Big Jim and the Twins," ruined the darn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call. Darn women drivers! ! !

A Man and his bird

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich,

"What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

Smile and Make a Day
1. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.

2. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

3. Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you have lived.

4. Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

5. Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?

6. You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

7. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

8. Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.

9. Have an awesome day, and know that someone who thinks you're great has thought about you today! And that person has sent you this Email.

10. Working for God on earth does not pay much, but His Retirement plan is out of this world.

Worlds Largest Bra
Over 3 Feet Wide!

"Wow! Oh My Gosh! Holy Crap! "

These are just a few of the words people will scream when they see the World's Largest Bra!  This bra is over 3 feet wide, and is made with the same components of a traditional bra, two loops, hooks in the back, padded cups for support. A great gag gift for anyone, especially for someone with a really small or a really big chest!

I just want all you wonderful friends of mine to know I am not leaving tblog completely..just taking a little break..won't be posting everyday like I did...was taking away from things in real life to be here everyday..and to be honest...it was getting boring sitting and having to post on tblurt *new post*...that got old...This is my feelings about it..and it may make some mad,but oh well I am the kind of person who says what I feel.

I didn't need my good friends and those that have great blogs that I love to read everyday even post on tblurt new post..my daily schedule on tblog was...I would log on..then post my new one..then I would go down my list of friends links..and start reading them all and commenting...that is how I did it everyday.

I just think that if you enjoy someones blog then you will go read it each day that they have a post....so with that said...I am still around...not leaving..just not spending all my free time at my blog.

Luv you all

I will still be viewing my friends blogs and leaving comments ^-^

~Sue~

I think its about time for me to take a little break from tblog.I know the changes that are being made are cool,but I just don't know what it is but its not the same around here.I don't see most of the bloggers around anymore that were here when I first started blogging.We used to have some good laughs and fun on tblurt....that seems to have changed.

Maybe it's just me and my boredom with the whole blogging thing.I will maybe post from time to time if I have the chance,as there is also things going on in my life that are keeping me busy .

So I want to say it has been fun,and I will like I said maybe post from time to time,but not on a regular basis anymore.Hot blogs has changed too and to be honest I don't know how they are doing it now,unless trying to give people a chance that never made it on the list before,but I am seeing people up there that never even get comments or a couple,and friends of mine that have great blogs and get comments all the time have dropped really low on the list or not on it at all...that is a little discouraging too...so hope they know what they are doing with that....good luck everyone..happy blogging to those that are still into it.

*Huggles to my dear blog friends*

ISN'T IT IRONIC THAT ...

There is braille on an ATM drive through window...
There are handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...
There is a box for a "blind" person to check on their tax return...
Drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions.
People order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...
Banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...
We leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless junk in the garage...
We use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.....

Golf Pain

Two women decided to go golfing.  One of them steps up to the tee of the first hole and swings, hits a line drive and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together, at his groin, fell to the ground, and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist, and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied.
He was still in pain, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together in his groin. But, she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took hishands away, and laid them to the side. She loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage him, and then asked, "How does that feel?"
He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

True and Amazing Facts

27% of Americans believe we never landed on the moon.

3% of all mammals are monogamous

4 tablespoons of ketchup has about the same amount of nutrition as a ripe tomato.

40% of all people who come to a party snoop in your medicine cabinet.

40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

43.7% of all statistics are made up right on the spot

48% of astronauts experience motion sickness.

52% of Americans drink coffee.

55.1% of all US prisoners are in prison for drug offenses.

56,000,000 people go to Major League baseball games each year

67 million pounds of pesticides and about 3 million tons of fertilizer are used annually on lawns in the US.

85% of men who die of heartattacks during intercourse, are found to have been cheating on their wives.

85,000,000 tons of paper are used in the United States each year.

I thought these pictures are amazing....they are made from cans.

PONDERISMS

· I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

· Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

· Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

· The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

· Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

· There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

· Life is sexually transmitted

· The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

· Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

· Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

· Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

· Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

· All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

· In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.  Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

· Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

· How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

· Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

· Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

· If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

· Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

I want to thank a good friend here at tblog for these jokes.

Corporate Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800

he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information

pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time,

you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Corporate Lesson 2

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg the nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand.

But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.

It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job,

you might miss a great opportunity.

Corporate Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out.

The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Poof! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply

of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."

Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Shadow

1. -  If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

2. -  If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.

3. -  If Oprah Winfrey married Deepak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

4. -  If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

5. -  If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

6. -  If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

7. -  If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

8. -  Nog (Quark's nephew on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license.  If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

9. -  If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

10. - If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck (hey, it's the 2000's), divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

11. - If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married Martin Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we could all nod understandingly when we heard, "Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy."

Groceries:

Women: A woman makes a list of things she needs, then goes out to the store and buys those things.

Men: A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the express lane.

Relationships:

Women: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.

Men: A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need.

Sex:

Women: They prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.

Men: They prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place part of the foreplay.

Maturity:

Women: They mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults.

Men: Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

Bathrooms:

Men: A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

Women: The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man cannot identify most of these items.

Shoes:

Women: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.

Men: A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. Let's not talk about how many days he'll wear the same socks.

Laundry:

Women: Women do laundry every couple of days.

Men: A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants (the ones that were hip about eight years ago) before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes of "Love American Style."

Eating Out:

Men: When the check comes, each man will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

Women: When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

Mirrors:

Men: Men are vain and will check themselves out in a mirror.

Women: They are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, bald guys' heads.

Tain't Bubba

Redneck Bubba died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, were sent for.

Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said,"Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll 'im over."

So the mortician rolled him over and Daryl looked and said, "nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body.

Gomer took a look at him and said "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll 'im over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked down and said, "no, 'tain't Bubba." The mortician, whose curiosity had gotten the better of him asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."

"What?" exclaimed the mortician. "He had two assholes?"

"Yup, ever'one in town knew he had two assholes.

Ever' time we went to town, folks would all say, "Here comes Bubba with them two assholes."

************************* ************************

The Patch

One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Looky thar up ahead Earl. It's a po-leece roadblock. We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"

"Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talking, okay?" said Earl.

They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?" "No sir." said Earl. "We're on the patch."

Brad Pitt As A Redneck

Woman's Toilet

Computer Geeks Answer

A.W.O.L.

As the sun rose over Parris Island, the senior drill
instructor realized that one of his recruits had gone
AWOL, so a search party was dispatched immediately.
After a few hours, the recruit was discovered hiding
in some bushes nearby. He was sent back to the base and
promptly escorted to the drill instructor's office.
The instructor asked the young recruit, "Why did you
go AWOL?"
The recruit replied, "On my first day here, you issued
me a comb and then proceeded to cut my hair off. On the
second day, you issued me a toothbrush and then sent
me to the dentist, who proceeded to pull out my teeth.
Finally, on the third day, you issued me a jock
strap... and I wasn't about to wait around to find out what would follow that, Sir." !!!

Isn't What You Think

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
 
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

E-mail Attack

Get Off The Internet

Guiness and Women
Research scientists at Guinness suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption after considering the results of a recent analysis, which had revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed eight pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100 percent of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

************************* ************************* *

Mississippi
A bus stops and two Italian men get on.

They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talking abouta sexa? Imma justa tellun my frienda how to spella "Mississippi"!

************************* ************************

Credit Card Comb

Up at the head table in the cafeteria, one of the nuns had placed a big
bowl of bright red, fresh, juicy apples. Beside the bowl, she placed a
note which read, "Take only one. Remember, God is watching."

At the other end of the table was a bowl full of freshly baked chocolate
chip cookies, still warm from the oven.

Beside the bowl, a little note scrawled in a child's handwriting which
read, "Take all you want. God's watching the apples."
 

Silly Quotes

"Keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you're up to."

Men, chocolate, and coffee are all better rich.

"Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

"Never think about the mistakes you made. Think about the mistakes you will make."

Best friends are the people that know all about and still put up with you!

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film!

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A Laundromat:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHING WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Welcome To Florida

Change The Sign

Rude Doorbell
 

 The French historian Jacque Cortier coined the phrase "World War I" in 1915 during the Battle of Verdun. Less than a year later he would be executed for "rumor mongering."

'Doogier' is Arabic for a place where thieves slept the night after robbing. It was translated as 'doogie' into English and up to 1935, it was a crime to provide 'Doogie Houser.' Ask any lawyer.

In some sub-Saharan cultures, putting live vipers in someone's bed is a token of good luck.

Developed originally as a drink flavoring, refined gasoline is now used exclusively as a fuel source.

In Italy, people use the fork once and wash it after every bite. Only rogues and cynics wash it after entire courses.

Prior to 1860, young women of marriageable status in Biloxi Mississippi, referred to themselves as 'Proper Bostonians'. The Civil War changed all of that.

'Frack' is that clear fat around a canned ham. After being removed from the can, you can call it 'flintsum.'

During the military campaigns of 1650 - 1656, English soldiers referred to the 'French War'; French soldiers used 'English War,' and the mercenary Hessian troops used 'the French and English War.'

Backerian natives, now living in Nepal, have 16 words for being crushed by an automobile. Americans have just four.

When native North American Indians first met Europeans, they thought 'cooties' were caused from horses, a mythical animal prophesied by Ancient soothsayers. They later learned about smallpox.

To 'duke it out' with someone has nothing to do with John Wayne. It has more to do with Caesar. 'Duke' is derived from Roman games when Christians, armed only with short swords, or dukakasii, would fight unarmed Nubians.

'Tommyrot' was named after a Welsh waiter that so hated his job serving Englishmen, he would put spoiled pieces of meat on their trays. This story was so unbelievable to the wealthy Londoners, they jokingly named the platter London Broil, although it's cooked now and isn't rancid.

Voltaire would don himself in his mistress clothes and work the Paris streets. That's why it took him twice as long to write 'On Politics and Nature's Freedom.'

Neither Pepsi nor Coke can be drunk by Australian aboriginal chiefs. Both trademarks translate into the nearly identical word for 'ancestor.' Hence they believe they would be drinking their ancestors; at the very least, made of the ancestors.

Totally Tattooed

Redneck Mercedes

After 6 Beers

(Anyone who has ever had a loved one in the hospital will enjoy this:)

A woman called a local Hospital

"Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse."

The voice on the other end said,

"What is the patient's name and room number?"

"Sarah Finkel, room 302."

"I'll connect you with the Nursing station."

"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help you?"

"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel
in room 302."

"Just a moment. Let me look at her records.

Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's
had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine,
she is to be taken off the heart monitor in a
couple of hours and - if she continues
this improvement -

Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday
at noon."

The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic,
that's wonderful news!"

The Nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take
it you are a close family member or a very
close friend."

"Neither! I'm Sarah Finkel in 302.

Nobody here tells me shit!"

Unbelievable Size

Busy Dog

Don't Eat Mice!